FIFTY...FIFTY.... FIFTY!

I wrote this poem for my 50th Birthday.

Fifty fifty fifty

So it’s all come down to this?

I think about it all the time

While I wait…..to piss

Fifty fifty fifty

What a price to pay

I take an entire handful of pills

Every single day

I spray Rogaine on my bald spot

But the hair only grows from my ears

What the hell is happening?

After all these years

Fifty fifty fifty

“I’m sorry - I can’t remember your name”

Or what I did last Tuesday

Time is all looking the same

I make noises that my Dad used to make

Whenever he had to stand up

I’ve started to say things that he used to say

Somehow I’ve become a grown up

Fifty fifty fifty

What the hell is happening to me?

I still feel like a teenager

Well, a teenager who can’t really see

I have to wear reading glasses

The words have gotten all fuzzy

And the stairs are steeper and harder to climb

I think it’s erosion that’s caused it

Fifty fifty fifty

Gravity seems to be stronger

I used to run and jump and play

I don’t do that any longer

Fifty fifty fifty

I’m producing gas at an alarming rate

I bought a tube of hemorrhoid cream

That development was great

My hearing is shot

I have a bald spot

My balls have stretched down to my knees

The only action I see these days

Has nothing to do with the birds and the bees

My sex life is not what it used to be

Something is wrong with my penis

I took a pill to make it last for hours

My knees only lasted five minutes

  

Fifty fifty fifty

Will you tell me what’s gone wrong?

They say, “Well you’re just getting older”

But how can this keep going on?

The list of things that are wrong with me

Is now longer than those that are right

Pretty soon - just wait and see

They won’t let me drive at night

Fifty fifty fifty

Somehow I’ve become an old man

And while the alternative is not so great

I hope that you’ll understand

I thought I’d have it figured out by now

My time is slipping away

Fifty years went by so fast

I guess what I’m trying to say

Is that I’m gonnah need at least fifty more

Lord would you help me out please?

I promise that I will do better

With the time that’s given to me

But have I really done that bad

With the life I’ve lived up to here?

I’ve been a husband and a Dad

And a friend to those I hold dear

So raise a class to absent friends

And those that are more near

While I can’t remember half of your names

I’m glad that you are here